Daily Joke

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Sincerely Yours,

Sick

I happened to get sick today, probably something to do with 7 or less hours of sleep a night and poor consumption choices, but it reminded me of what sin brought. Its not fun to be sick, I can tell you that right now (just in-case you have never been sick) and I can't help but think of the day when we will be brought into glory, wouldn't it be awesome to be sick on that day? Suddenly all pain leaves and we are caught up to meet the LORD in the air! Well, yeah, it will be awesome... 

The best warning labels

I figured that it would be to much to read through all of those other warning labels, so I collected a list of my personal favorites... enjoy :D

"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.

"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.

"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

Daily Joke

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.

They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was getting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and the two men heard a terrible scream.

The limo driver stopped the car immediately to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate.

"What happened?!" asked Bill.

"I ran over a pig," replied his driver.

Bill Clinton looked horrified.
"Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been theirs."

So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.
Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a-half hours.

Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.

"Do you know how long you've been gone?! What happened up there?" he asked.

The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party."

Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, "What? Why?"

The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig.

Daily Joke

One day, President Obama visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone else give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Daily Joke

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." 

Daily Joke

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother." 

Basketball

I was playing PIG with dad today and after I won (I had to put that in ;)) I was thinking, life is kinda like PIG, us vs God, we lose and we are lost, we win and we are saved. Unfortunately God can swish it from New York and the hoop is in Eau Claire. Then Jesus comes and takes the blame for our pathetic attempts and gives us His (the double transfer).

That is probably a poor analogy... :-o

Music

I started listening to hillsong on grooveshark today, I highly recomend all of their songs that I have listened to so far, especially "stronger", "mighty to save", and "my redeemer lives". Also "It is well" by kutless is good.

Daily Joke

Ok, sorry about the lame humor today, but this was the best I could find...

A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"

But seriously

     I don't like to say it, but I believe that most people in this world take Easter for granted, its a day full of cute stuffed (and marshmallow) bunnies and candy. Fortunately to us Easter means a little bit more; 2000some years ago (I don't want to do the math) Jesus died for our sins, and rose again. Its so easy to gloss over that, so let me say is again. 2000some years ago (I didn't wan't to do the math) Jesus DIED for OUR sins. Now most of us haven't been crucified but I can assure you its a very painful process. But if that were the end of the story we would too be dead. I don't know about you, but I don't know a whole lot of people who have been raised to life, and I know nobody who has raised their self to life. Jesus did. Its glorious news! We are called to proclaim it to the nations, shout it from the mountain tops, get outside our little comfortable bubbles of homeschoolers and Christians and proclaim the good news. Now it may be hard, I am few people I know can drive, much less live on their own, but it can be done. It doesn't need to be directly talking to some one, but just living like Jesus through your regular life, people will notice.
   
      To sum up I would just like to say three things:

1. Jesus died for YOUR sins
2. Jesus rose from the dead
3. You will too be raised from the dead, everyone will, there will be two types of people when that happens, saved and unsaved, and I fear that the second group will be far bigger.

Post Script,
Now granted, I don't know a whole lot about @#!*% , but it says in the Bible that they will wish themselves dead but won't be able to die, that is scary, eternity is a LONG time to be in constant torment, a very long time.